North Pole CDC Report: 13 Worst Reindeer STDs

 

1. S.L.E.I.G.H.S. 

2. HOOVE-Positive

Note: Testing HOOVE-positive doesn’t necessarily lead to contracting full-blown S.L.E.I.G.H.S. If detected early, it can usually be controlled with Parvo medications and Class 3 wormers. 

3. Red Nose Waffle

Any reindeer that have seen graphic photos of the horrific effects of this dreaded contagion are well aware it’s nothing to take chances with, and they’re also probably spending way too much time on Reindeer 4chan. 

4. The Claus

A Spring Break road trip to an Anchorage veterinary strip club and a trough of Moosehead Light, and BAM, suddenly things aren’t quite so jolly. Fortunately, a quick shot of penicillin will clear it right up, and Prancer and Vixen will be smarter next time. Or WILL they??

5. Elves

There’s nothing “right jolly” about these pesky parasites, and the irritation from their venom has been known to turn the reindeer version of Netflix and chill into a living hell. Additionally, the vice-like grip of their claws is not entirely unlike the grip of a Comcast CSR on one’s soul. 

6. Genital Slurpees

When Blitzen stopped at a 7-11 at an arctic outpost for a bag of chips, a refreshing frozen drink, and to use the public restroom, little did he know what was in store. 

7. Donder-uff

Difficult to detect as the chief symptom in the early stages is usually a flaking, itchy scalp. 

8. Silver Balls

Newly-discovered mutant strain of Red Nose Waffle. In its final stages, all that can be done is to make the patient as comfortable as possible and prescribe glare-resistant prescription sunglasses.

9. Antler Crabs

If they think elves are uncomfortable, then trust me, they don’t even want to know about these guys. 

10. Yam-mydia

In Stage 1, the main symptom is an uncontrollable compulsion to eat at The Sizzler. In Stage 2, the affected reindeer will inexplicably bathe in margarine. In Stage 3, all motor function is lost and it will degenerate into a helpless mass of Cool Whip. 

11. Tinselis

Once the leading cause of reindeer death in the Arctic Circle, it is now merely considered a mild form of shopping addiction for shiny things on the Reindeer Home Shopping Network. 

12. RRTS – Reindeer Rape Trauma Syndrome

Due to pending legal proceedings, we are limited in what we can say, but court records quote Comet as testifying, “He probed me with an electric train. I feel so dirty and used. I’ve lost the will to fly. All I can think about is cutting that jolly bastard’s balls off with a rusty can opener.” 

13. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

Wait, wrong list. Actually on CDC list of “13 Worst Patrick Swayze Movies.”

If you know a reindeer with symptoms of any of these diseases, please don’t wait. Consult your family veterinarian immediately, or visit the informational website of the North Pole CDC, NotOKCupid.com.

7 Regrets I Have After Creating a Flesh-and-Blood Dilbert

1. Creating a flesh-and-blood Dilbert.

My first and perhaps foremost regret is ever thinking to create a flesh-and-blood Dilbert. Though it seems obvious now, I was foolish to believe a six-foot tall, living replica of the famed newspaper character would add more to the world than it would take away. For decades, Dilbert’s office-room antics and grumbling wit have delighted audiences, but they should never in a million years have stepped off the page. 

2. Making Dilbert out of zebra cells.

In my haste to create a flesh-and-blood Dilbert, I took a few shortcuts which, in retrospect, were pretty big mistakes. Chief among them was my decision to grow Dilbert solely out of zebra cells.

At the time, zebra tissue was much easier to acquire than human tissue, and the cells developed at a faster rate, allowing me to grow flesh-and-blood Dilbert in a matter of weeks instead of months. I can say now, with unwavering certainty, these benefits did not outweigh the costs — costs that became all too apparent the moment I laid eyes on what I had created.

Dilbert’s defining traits are his asexuality and earnestness, but I, for some reason, decided to give him the biological capacity to reproduce and lie.

As flesh-and-blood Dilbert limped out of the incubation chamber that first day, I contemplated suicide. Dilbert’s iconic shirt and tie are splotches of raised pigment on otherwise taught, durable skin. Moreover, in a disappointing break from the original form, flesh-and-blood Dilbert has teeth. Flat, horse-like molars used to mash and grind. Dilbert also cannot speak, capable of producing only the sounds of a malformed zebra larynx: a spectrum of whinnies and rumbling moans.

But worst of all is what happened to Dilbert’s eyes. Dilbert’s white-rimmed glasses? They’re pure bone. Thick, opaque orbs that weigh down his head and force him into a shuffle. It goes without saying. But flesh-and-blood Dilbert is blind. 

3. Not shooting it when I had the chance.

Though I set out to create a faithful replica of Dilbert, what emerged from the incubation chamber can, on its best day, be described as an “impression.” That’s why, as it stumbled forward, puking development media and neighing softly, I could do nothing but gape as it shambled past me toward the exit.

Eventually, I roused myself, grabbed my rifle, and pursued it into the hallway. As it stood in the red emergency lights, yanking tubing and metal paneling from the security windows and shoving it into its moist, irregular mouth, I saw a glint of suffering in the beast’s eyes. I felt pity for my creation; this wasn’t the white collar everyman that takes dry jabs at the hypocrisy of the American workplace — I don’t think it could have even vocalized a quip about the politics of storing food in the office refrigerator if it wanted to — but it was a life, and who was I to play God twice?

In that moment, I lowered my rifle just enough to allow it to flee. In response, it gurgled and spat acid at my feet, dissolving the soles of my shoes. As Dilbert hunched and bounded out the window, shrieking into the night, my blood began to boil anew. The next shots I fired aimed to kill, but my moment of confused sympathy for the creature had secured its escape.

Flesh-and-blood Dilbert was free. 

4. Creating the rest of the characters from the Dilbert universe to serve as a hunting party.

This was definitely not my brightest moment, but at the time, I thought: what better assassins to destroy what I had brought to life than the characters that knew Dilbert best? Unfortunately, I was low on zebra cells, so when I placed their tissues in the developing tank, they coalesced into one collective organism.

It goes without saying, but for these new characters, fused into a single broiling mass of flesh, their agony was even more pronounced than Dilbert’s. Thus it was in hindsight not surprising that this gurgling chimera, consisting of the half-formed torsos and faces of Pointy-Haired Boss, Wally, Alice, Dogbert, Ted, and Loud Howard, would smash its restraints and flee, dripping flesh and incubation fluid in a slug-like trail as it sought asylum in the nearest forest. 

5. Equipping Dilbert with the capacity to breed and making him cunning and sly.

I don’t know what I was thinking on this one. Dilbert’s defining traits are his asexuality and earnestness, but I, for some reason, decided to give him both the biological capacity to reproduce and the ability to lie. Laying traps and creating misleading trails of footprints, Dilbert evaded capture.

In an arguably worse turn of fate, he must have located the fleshy mass comprising the remaining Dilbert characters — my hunting party — and copulated with it. Nothing less can explain the litter of mewing Dilberts that began to crawl out of the forests, gasping, and heaving themselves onto the highway, where the sun would bake their wet bodies into the asphalt. 

6. Refusing flesh-and-blood Dilbert’s attempt to make peace with me.

I definitely would have done this differently. Two days after Dilbert escaped, I was lying in bed, unable to sleep. That’s when I felt a warm gust of wind blow through the room and looked up to see a hulking silhouette at my window.

Flesh-and-blood Dilbert approached my bed slowly. As it laid a small, withered hand against my cheek and whispered “Father,” I should never have dashed its hand away. I should also never have yelled, “Be gone, wraith! You were meant to delight, not destroy! A creature of circumstance, with no consequence beyond my pleasure! Leave my chambers at once! Anathema! Anathema!”

It flew. That was when I first noticed flesh-and-blood Dilbert had grown wings. 

7. Creating a flesh-and-blood Garfield.

If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and slap myself. After losing Dilbert to the wilds, I decided, for reasons I can only chalk up to wounded pride, to try my luck vivifying another iconic newspaper character. Garfield. But, when I threw the last remaining cells in my possession into the developer, I failed to notice one crucial detail. They were all neural cells.

What emerged from the incubation chamber was as much Garfield as you can call a twenty-foot brain, visibly rippling with synaptic energy, that crawls forward on thick, purple tendrils Garfield. In short, it did not look like Garfield. But in the sense that Garfield is a master cynic who ultimately despises the world he lives in and prays for its destruction, there were certain similarities.
Five seconds after flesh-and-blood Garfield lurched into existence, it had already devised a way to incapacitate me and shatter the ceiling of my laboratory.
In six seconds, it had telepathically searched my mind and discovered the weaknesses of the human body.
In seven, it had disappeared.
Fifteen minutes after flesh-and-blood Garfield was conceived, the first nukes fell.

As I look out my window now, I see a charred wasteland. What basic infrastructure remains has been reclaimed by the Dilberts. Roaming war bands, serving the all-seeing consciousness of flesh-and-blood Garfield, destroy all non-Dilbertian life they encounter, believing body symmetry to be a perversion and functional vision a demonic boon. In fact, the strongest flesh-and-blood Dilberts and therefore the chieftains of each war band can be identified by the string of desiccated eyes they wear on soapstrings around their necks.

But this is beside the point.

When I look out at the embers of our smoldering earth, I see an allegory for the importance of patience. And, though I certainly have my regrets, I wouldn’t trade the lessons I learned for the world. If there was a world to trade them for.

What Innovation Can Do to Your Life

It's a talent that everyone has, yet they think they don't. The power of innovation. If you've ever marvelled at somebody's creative prowess, guess what, you can create and innovate too. It just takes time. Everyone is born creative. The box of crayons in kindergarten were not limited to those who possessed potential; because the truth is, everybody has potential.

You know how long it took to learn to ride a bike or drive or to never commit the same mistake again? It's the same with innovation. It takes a  bit of practice and a lot of time before this mind function comes easily  when called. This article will teach you a few tips on how to bring innovation into your life.

Don't listen to what other people say. Follow the beat of your own drum. Allowing for the input of other people will only bring cacophony to the music you are trying to make. If you have an original idea, don't waste your time and effort trying to make people understand. They won't. And the help you will probably get comes in the form of negative feedback. If all those geniuses listened to their peers, we would probably still be living in the middle ages.

Spend time on it. I cannot stress that enough, although, please do not mistake this tip to tell you to quit your day job entirely. Do not. This involves some tricky time management but with a little discipline you'll be able to squeeze both in.

Exercise. Take a walk. Run a mile or two. Send all those endorphins coursing through your veins. Exercising certainly clears and relaxes your mind and allows for anything to pop up.

Record your dreams. Aren't some of them just the craziest things that your conscious mind would never have thought of? If you've had these dreams before, and I'm sure have, this only shows you the untapped innovative power you have lying within. So jot down those notes. Those dreams may just create an innovative spark in you.

Find your own style. You can always tell a Van Gogh from a Matisse. You'll know Hemingway wrote something by the choice of words on the paper. So it is the same with you. People will appreciate your innovation more because it is uniquely yours and that no one else would have thought of what you were thinking. That will let people see how valuable an asset you are.

Don't hide behind nifty gadgets or tools. You don't need the most expensive set of paints to produce a masterpiece. The same way with writing. You don't need some expensive fountain pen and really smooth paper for a bestseller. In fact, J.K. Rowling wrote the first book of the Harry Potter Series on bits of tissue. So what if you've got an expensive SLR camera if you're a crappy photographer? Who cares if you've got a blinging laptop if you can't write at all? The artist actually reduces the number of tools he has as he gets better at his craft: he knows what works and what doesn't.

Nothing will work without passion. What wakes you up in the mornings? What keeps the flame burning? What is the one thing that you'll die if you don't do? Sometimes people with talent are overtaken by the people who want it more. Think the hare and the tortoise. Ellen Degeneres once said that if you're not doing something that you want to do, then you don't really want to do it. And that's true. Sometimes you just want something so bad you become a virtual unstoppable. And that is passion. Passion will keep you going.

Don't worry about inspiration. You can't force it; inspiration hits when you least expect it to, for those unpredictable yet inevitable moments you should prepare. An idea could strike you on the subway, yet alas, you poor unfortunate soul; you have no sheet of paper to scribble down a thought that could change the world. Avoid these disasters. Have a pen and paper within your arm's reach at all times.

I hope this article has helped you bring more innovation into your life. Keep in mind that you're doing these things for your own satisfaction and not anybody else's. But soon enough they will notice, and everything should snowball from there.

Dating Tips For Women

There are women who avoid going out on dating adventures

with men, especially those who have bad first impressions

when it comes to dating.

For these women, here are some dating tips that may help:

1. Look good on your date.

Taking a shower isnt enough. Wearing a nice outfit that is

comfortable for you and well suited for your date is a good

factor in looking and feeling presentable. Use some perfume

or cologne to add up to your spice. Most men cant resist

asking women who look good on a first date for a second

one.

2. Never be late.

Sometimes, its okay for women to be late due to the

rituals involved when it comes to dressing up and wearing

makeup. It is fine for men to wait for a bit since this

helps men to prepare for the date and loosen up a little.

3. Be lady-like and respectable.

Let the men become gentlemen. Dont force them to be one.

If they want to open the door for you, let them. When the

door is open, pass through first. If they pull the chair

for you, allow them to do so and thank them for the manly

act. Keep in mind to thank your date for every manly effort

he does in order to assure him that you are acknowledging

him as a gentleman.

4. Offer to pay.

It is a respectable gesture to help out on your dating

expenses. But if your date insists to pay for everything,

dont resist.

At the end of your date, let him take you home safely. It

is up to you if you intend on giving him a goodnight kiss

as a reward for a job well done.

Good luck.